Dont get mad, get even.
I got a call Saturday night from a long time friend of mine. She wanted me to pick her up because her husband beat her and I found it odd that she begged me not to call the police. I was so incredibly angry because it shocked me to think that he hit her, especially since I thought I knew him so well. So I actually, and dont quote me on this, grabbed a bat from my closet and called another good friend of mine to go get her, the other friend (big male) to drive and jump in, should we need additional help, and the bat, to knock him unconscious because I hate men who beat their wives. Her house was dark and scary when I got there, maybe nearly 10 p.m. I knocked the door, hoping and silently praying that I had not reached there too late. An almost weak voice called out, come in, its open: he just left. So I opened the door and put on the lights. Of course, I was not taking any chances, I went in with my baseball bat and when I put on the lights, a crowd yelled: Surprise!!! It turns out that my girl friend was throwing me a welcome back party since I had been away for a little while and she knew that claiming her husband had hit her was the surest way to get me to go to her house so late.
You can imagine how startled and embarrassed I was, in my night gown, no make up and a menacing bat in my hands. Everyone knows I advocate feminine independence, and I abhor domestic violence, it is no secret. Her husband, who happens to be my friend as well, laughed the hardest, since it was his idea to play that trick on me. He earnestly thanked me for my devotion to his wife, he put it. I applied some make-up and borrowed some of her clothes, had a few drinks, I enjoyed myself a little. It was the talk of the party that I actually went there with a baseball bat and everyone kept asking if I would have used it, and all I could answer was: YOU BET!
Later that night, after I sternly lectured my friend on the dangers of false alarms, even citing the fable of the boy who cried wolf, we (the women of course) began discussing Domestic Violence. I have always told my ladies that there are three things you should never accept from a man, namely, a man who cheats with other women, a man who only wants you for sex, and a man who beats you. We also discussed ways of getting even, which is incidentally my focus this week. Without incriminating any of my friends, I will tell you our suggestions to get even with a violent husband. Leave him, no compromises. He needs help, and if you stay with a wife beater, he might apologize the following day or even get you flowers or chocolates or take you to eat dinner, but when he needs to vent his frustrations, your face becomes his release canvas. He needs to get better on his own, knowing that you will not accept his abuse. Make use of the police, if he beats you, call them. When they arrive, do not beg the officers not to take him. As a matter of fact, if you fear he will repeat a beating when he is released, you can use the time while he is detained to leave and find a safe place.
Never suffer in silence, find someone to confide in. The more people know of your situation, the safer you should be since more people can be available to help you. A kick on the groin area, poking his eyes with your fingers, a bite in a sensitive area throwing sulfuric acid or hot water in his face are quick ways of distracting him while you run for help. It never hurts to keep a bat hidden, but those iron pots and pans can be of great use outside the kitchen. Now I a not telling you to wait until hes down and kill your husband, but I am asking you to defend yourself if you can. You can always find out about self defense classes and keep a friend on speed dial, one you can depend on and one who has a knack for digging graves in under 4 hours. I know this sounds a little alarming, but trust me, my therapist tells me that it is normal to plan ahead. I am not advocating that you should murder a violent husband. Please do not try to read between lines of decipher messages that are not here. If I was telling you to kill your husband, I would not suggest a messy method, I would go for something more subtle as a cyanide injection through the rectum maybe. Kidding! Oh, funny part of the story, my male friend back up/ bouncer had to leave my surprise party to pick me up so we could go kick my friends husbands ass. I thought it was funny.