I Said Pass the Cheese, Not Cut the Cheese
By Charles Hopkins
Published 04/23/2006 | Dating
You know you cant eat certain foods the day of a date. If you don't know that, read on. You dont wanna be a rootin tootin mamma whilst youre trying to impress Mr. Wonderful. You better carefully plan your menu or youll end up blowing heat.
If you know ahead of time that you have an engagement scheduled that evening, you better starting eating a bland diet for the day; else that lasagna will kick in about the time of that awkward silence between you. You dont want your date asking if you heard a duck.
Sometimes you need to plan two days in advance. If you eat garlic or onions, do you honestly think your pores will be void of such stench 24 hours later? Probably not; dont kid yourself.
Its bad enough you have to eat blah food the day of or even the day prior to a date, but you also better watch what you eat on a date. If you wolf down that enchilada too fast, youll be jet propelled about the time hes holding you close on the dance floor. Then hell be forced to let you know that your voice has changed, but not your breath!
Then if you go out for ice cream, beware, your sensitive little tummy could be a touch lactose intolerant. How are you going to explain that odiferous aroma when there are only two of you sitting there and he knows he didnt do it?
If hes more inclined to be a little spontaneous and call you an hour before to announce that hed like to take a drive out to the lake, you better hope you didnt just polish off a batch of broccoli and clam chowder!
And heres an age old debate, if you feel the flatulence stirring down below, can you really choke it back until another time? Some say yes you can. Perhaps what actually happens when you squeeze your bucket cheeks together and silently chant no no no no not now! is that you produce a SPD, but you still smell like a babe who just pooped his nappy.
One known philosophy is that youre not serious with a guy until you cut the cheese around each other. You gotta get past that first one and handle it without turning three shades of purple. Once you cross that hurdle then youre getting serious. Heck, by the time youre married, youre assigning point values to the Scud Missile or high fiving each other while proclaiming Good One! Somewhere you will have transitioned to LBP Loud but Proud!
One dater swore it was genetic. She shared, "My dad tells the story of asking my mother, 'Did you fluff?' After she turned morbidly red, she uttered, 'I dont think so, but one might have slipped out!'" Similarly, she continued, while on a date, early on in their relationship, her brother and now-sister-in-law were riding in car (quite a predicament if youre having gastro troubles) and he asked her, Did you fart? Her response: Why? Why, ah ha, I love it! Why? He told her, Cuz it smells like crap in here, open a window!
Then there are the grandparents who just keep walking in the midst of letting a buster and just hope that everyone thought the floor board was loose!
Perhaps you're still trying to find a happy medium to get past the first date when someone launches an air biscuit. Will you comment or ignore? Maybe if its a big whopper and peels paint off the walls youll have a hard time ignoring it. The next time your butt burps on a date you better hope you're in open air!
Good luck and may the force be with you!