Every day we see couples around us who are married and often we are left wondering… why? What holds those two together? Why do they seem unhappy but stay together?
Are they really as outgoing and pleasant as they seem in public? Don’t they ever have a disagreement or a shouting match? Are they for real in their affection for each other or is it all just for show?
Many times if you are in a marriage and wondering about a possible divorce, you seem to not be able to see others around you in a realistic light.
Of course, couples fight and have disagreements, but the ones that stay together have learned how to fight and how to make their points and nurture their relationship.
If you want to avoid a divorce and have a good marriage, there are some points to follow that may have been forgotten over time with the disagreements with kids, meals, job conflicts, sports schedules, discipline, etc.
First, you must recognize the other partner’s freedom to choose their position. Respect their independence and respect their thought processes.
This is not saying that you cannot try to influence their decisions, only that you MUST respect their position. If you cannot respect their position, possibly you do not respect the person and you should give a lot of thought to the reason you feel this way.
If they respect you, then you need to give the same respect back and if you cannot, then you need to figure out why.
Second, you must fight fair. This means that when a disagreement is noticed, talked about, and resolved with mutual satisfaction points, then it is not fair to bring it up again in a “punishment” sort of way.
In most arguments, someone generally feels right and even though they may be wrong, the opinions usually remain, and you cannot win by bringing up the old fight and old attitudes.
Let it go. Nothing is gained by harboring old hurts and judgments. If you and your partner cannot talk and resolve issues, then you need to figure out if you really want to resolve the conflict or if you just cannot communicate with the other person.
Do you always have to have a drama going on? Whatever the reason, you and your partner need to have conclusions about personal issues and feel secure enough in each other’s care and concern that those conclusions will be respected by both parties.
Third, never, ever fight in front of the children. Seeing the two people they love to argue and not being able to fix the problem or help, changes the way a child feels about themselves and about their world. They feel less secure and cared about.
We need all our children to have tremendous self-esteem and know how to handle anger and express their opinions. Their parents, and especially the same-sex parent, are their first and most important contacts in this process.
Do not make them feel they are powerless and things are hopeless. Children need to be children and not involved in adult issues. Keep the discussions among the adults involved.
If you can talk to your partner in a loving way and still discuss a problem or situation, then you are on your way to keeping your love and your marriage alive and ongoing.
Then you can be one of those people who others look at with envy and you will know that your marriage is secure and happy.